CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE: Grave News and Other Pranks

One night a group of late-night revelers knocked over about seven hundred gravestones in the cemetery that lay behind the house at 51 Manson Street.  The news story was reported on the television and radio news and in the newspapers.  

A day or two later on September 1st, I was on the Interstate, driving Andrea and Bronwyn up north to spend a few days’ vacation at a dude ranch, when I turned on the radio, just in time for the news broadcast.  I almost ran the car off the road when I heard the first item. 

". . . the Schemmerhorn cemetery vandals have been arrested," said the announcer.  "Justin Parker and . . ."

"What?” I exclaimed loudly.  “That's Mamie's brother's name!"

". . . Mamie Parker of fifty-one Manson Street have been taken into police custody for the vandalism of . . ."

“Wow, Mom!  What are you going to do?” Bronwyn asked, her eyes wide on hearing the names of my tenants on the news.

Shaken, I drove the next few miles, my thoughts racing a mile a minute.

“I can’t do anything about it, right now,” I said, eventually.  “Your Auntie Frederica and I played some pretty naughty pranks when we were little.  But we were just kids.  Mamie and Justin are adults.  This was probably just a prank on a larger scale, but still . . . seven hundred gravestones?  Come on!”

“Mom, tell us about some of the things you and Auntie Frederica used to get up to,” Andrea asked after a few more miles had rolled by.

“Yeah, we’ve still got a ways to go,” Bronwyn put in, “and you know we’ll start fighting soon and asking ‘are we there yet?’  Tell us a story to keep us occupied.”

"Oh, all right,” I said, seeing the logic in this.  “Let’s see.  You know about the time we set the grass dump on fire, but did I ever tell you about the time when your Auntie Frederica and I pretended to be girl scouts collecting for a rummage sale?” 

“Ooh, no.”

“Tell us.”

"Okay.  Well, it goes like this . . ."

One Saturday, Frederica and I were messing about at home in our quiet South African suburb with nothing to do.  I was twelve years old at the time and was painfully shy, except around Frederica, whom I bossed mercilessly.  She, of course, even as a six-and-a-half year old, was very outgoing and, for some strange reason, totally worshiped the ground I walked on even though I regularly beat her up.

Being the ringleader of our little twosome, and thus in charge of coming up with ideas of things to do, I suggested we pretend to be girl scouts collecting clothes for a rummage sale.  It would mean knocking on doors in the neighborhood and talking to strangers – totally against the rules of our protective upbringing – and this awesome idea did give us pause for a moment but, hey, the danger was part of the fun.  Frederica, of course, was all for my idea.

We sauntered casually down the street, nerve endings jangling beneath our oh-so-cool exteriors.  The naughtiness of what we were about to do made me feel more alive.  The adrenalin was pumping and everything seemed to me to stand out in vivid relief, sharper than before, as if I were a shortsighted person wearing corrective eyeglasses for the first time.  I began to notice details, such as the pinkness of the bricks of the apartment block we were headed for, and the lacy, black iron patterns of the balconies. 

After the brightness of the day outside, the foyer of the #apartment building was dingy and felt damp.  Being the eldest, it was decided that I would do the talking, and after a whispered consultation on the stairs, we knocked on the first door we came to.

It was opened by a man of about fifty years old, wearing a greasy vest, dirty cotton pants, and badly in need of a shave.  Through the open door we caught a glimpse of a dark, stuffy apartment beyond, cluttered with small tables piled with knickknacks and tall lamps with fringed shades, more suited to a psychic maiden aunt than to the seedy character lounging before us.  

Not to be put off, however, and trying not to breathe in the acrid odor of sweat which wafted in our direction, I valiantly launched into my spiel in an artificially  bright and cheery voice, though I started to falter a little towards the end under the man’s bold stare.

He looked rather dubious on hearing the news that we were girl scouts on a good deed mission and shook his head. 

“Sorry, I don’t have nutt’n’,” he rasped in a hoarse voice, undoubtedly the result of too many cigarettes.  Frederica and I chose not to pursue the issue.  We were just thankful to get out of there.

A mite subdued by this first failure, but not to be swayed from our dangerous adventure, we knocked on the next door.  It was flung open with great ebullience by a middle-aged, blonde, housewife type.  

This was more like it!  

She cheerfully believed our story and invited us in while she searched for something to give us.   We chose to hover in the doorway, warnings about not going into strange houses too powerful to overcome. 

The housewife returned in a moment and handed us a man’s tweed jacket!  

Frederica and I looked at each other in unspoken agreement, stammered our thank yous, and dashed for the stairs.

Once outside on the street, we wrestled with our consciences, feeling incredibly guilty.  The more we thought about that nice woman giving us the jacket under false pretenses, the worse we felt.  It was awful!  What in God’s name were we going to do with the jacket?  We obviously couldn’t take it home.  We also didn’t want to throw it away because that would be even more guilt-provoking.  Frederica suggested we give the jacket to the first poor African we saw who looked cold.  I leapt at the idea as a good way to assuage my guilt.

The first African we came to didn’t appear to be either poor or cold.  However, he would have to do.  He was astonished when two young, white girls waylaid him and offered him a free jacket, out of the blue.  He accepted it in pleased surprise, put it on, thanked us effusively, though somewhat suspiciously, and went swinging away down the street, singing.

His happiness didn’t do much to lessen our guilt, but it was an experience to reminisce and laugh over to this day. 

Andrea and Bronwyn were suitably impressed by my story, and I must admit I was feeling a little less stressed by the end of it.

“You guys were pretty naughty, weren’t you, Mom?” said Anthea.  “Deceiving little old ladies, burning up the yard . . . whatever next?  We’re not nearly that bad.” 

We had reached the dude ranch by this time, and as soon as we checked in I phoned my parents and Allen to tell them the news about my gravestone-tipping tenant’s arrest.  There was nothing I could do, of course.  Allen promised to keep an eye on things at 51 Manson Street, but I knew it was going to pray on my mind for the duration of my mini-vacation.

                                                             * * * * * * * *

When the girls and I returned home after a somewhat relaxing few days, albeit sore in the rump from horse riding, I rushed over to Schemmerhorn as soon as I could to learn the latest on the gravestone-tipping saga.

Bryan answered the door and laughed at my anxious questions. 

"It's okay," he assured me.  "The police let Mamie go.  They only charged her with trespassing."

"Phew!" I breathed.  "What does she weigh, anyway?  All of ninety pounds?  I thought it was a bit strange that she could be responsible for knocking over seven hundred gravestones."

"Right.  Her brother's doing some time for it, though.  Look, Mamie's not in, right now.  Was there anything else?"

"Yes, well, uh, I apparently haven’t received a voucher for September's rent."

"Oh, er, I dunno.  Maybe you should call Social Services?"

"Do you have your portion of the rent for me?"

"Nooooo, not right now.  Can you come back in a few days?"

As Bryan disappeared inside, Giselle came out of her apartment.

"I hear you had a nice welcome to Manson Street, hey?" I said ruefully.

"Oh!"  Giselle rolled her eyes.  "I came here with all my stuff, ready to move in, and there was police and TV cameras and God knows what else outside the house.  I didn't know what was goin' on!"

“Well, thankfully this sort of thing doesn’t happen every day,” I said.  “By the way, do you have the @rent for me?” 

“Oh, yeah.  Here you go."  Giselle handed me a money order.  “How do you want to work out getting the rent in future?”

 “I’ll come by on the first of every month between five and six p.m., to collect it. Would that be okay?”

“Yeah, that’s fine.”

When I phoned the #Department of #Social #Services the next day, I was told that as Bryan had been promoted at his job, Mamie was no longer covered by Social Services.  

According to Bryan, he had been promoted, but the very next day he was laid off.  

Would Social Services listen?  No.  They said they would resume covering part of the rent the following month, but gave me some story about Mamie not having enough money in her account to cover the rent for this month. 

What did that mean?

I never did receive September's rent, and in October, I only received $325.00 from D.S.S.  Mamie and Bryan, of course still claimed they couldn’t afford to pay the $150.00 balance, so I was relieved when Social Services suddenly declared that as of November they would be covering Mamie's rent in full.

I also had a frustrating time the first couple of months trying to collect rent from Giselle.  I stopped by the house on the first of the month as arranged, but she was never home.  After several wasted trips, twenty-five minutes' drive each way, Giselle agreed to send me a money order every month for the rent.  This proved to be a much better idea.  The money orders usually arrived a few days late, but at least they arrived.

The next four months at 51 Manson Street were generally peaceful, except for a leak in the attic, which resulted in Wim gingerly mounting a ladder to replace a portion of roof.  He has a great fear of heights, does Wim.   

Then Giselle called to complain that the front porch was crumbling.  She was right.  Wim had to basically jack up the house, replace the foundation, and construct a whole new front porch.  The total cost came to $806.76. 

Meanwhile Action Pest Control had not lived up to its name. The #cockroach #infestation, courtesy of Ray Molinard, wasn’t as bad as the one Natasha had caused, but  it took the Action Man five follow-up visits to completely eradicate the roaches.  The previous pest control company, Greatest Pest Control, had managed to get rid of them in three. 

What's more, Action Pest Control recommended that I continue with monthly visits indefinitely in order to prevent another infestation from occurring. 

“Monthly maintenance is a good idea,” the Action Man told me when we happened to meet one day at the house. “Especially in this neighborhood, with the type of tenants you have living here.  It only takes two roaches, and in no time you’re right back where you started from.  Prolific little buggers, they are.”  

He grinned at me with a lascivious leer. 

I was inclined to agree with him.  However, the man was just too smarmy for words, and I had heard that Greatest Pest Control had merged with another reputable company and was now charging only $29.96 for maintenance visits. 

Sorry, Action Pest Control, you ain’t gett’n no more action heah. 

“I’ll think about it,” I told him and then signed up with Greatest Pest Control for monthly maintenance.

                                                             * * * * * * * *

In April, Mamie finally gave Bryan his marching orders.  She also promised faithfully to pay me last September's rent, plus the balance of October’s rent, as soon as she received her tax refund.  I wasn’t too surprised when April turned into May and May turned into June, and still the money did not appear.

CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX: The Flimsy Fence

YEAR TWO

House Account:  $1,338.00

#Mortgage:  $513.48 - $547.29

The letter had little effect on Ray's children's behavior, but Miz James was somewhat mollified when Wim erected a fence so that only she, Princess and Desmond could use the back yard.  She grumbled a bit when Ray asked her if he could host a barbecue in the back yard for visiting friends and family on Memorial Day, but as she wasn't going to be home that day, she grudgingly agreed.

The fence wasn’t anything special: just wire chain-link with posts every few feet.  In no time, it was drooping tiredly between its supports as the neighboring children on the right side of the house – with whom Ray's kids seemed to be very friendly – yanked and leaned on it with a vengeance.

The owner of the next-door house, where said children resided on the second floor, was in the process of gutting the first-floor #apartment in order to #renovate it.  As a result, an alarming heap of trash and rubble was fast accumulating in the alleyway between the two #properties.  Miz James gleefully reported that "them kids" were playing in it and strewing garbage left, right and center.  This fact was borne out when I received a violation notice from the #Code #Enforcement #Bureau ordering me to clean up the mess in 72 hours, or else.  It wasn't even my mess! 

Indignantly, Wim and I went up to Manson Street and piled the mess onto the #renovating #landlord's side of the alley.  Then I wrote a stern letter to Ray, telling him to stop his children strewing trash all over the place.

The rumblings of discontent kept sounding from Miz James until they finally came to a head.  Ray had been living upstairs for five months when Miz James called one night to report that "them kids" had stolen her son's bicycle from her side of the basement, and that she had called the police.  The bike was found a little while later but, nonetheless, the fact remained that Ray and co. had violated their shared access to the basement. 

Thanking my lucky stars that I had only given him a six-month #lease, I wrote to Ray to tell him I would not be extending it and that I wanted him out of the apartment by the end of the month.  I heard not one word of argument from him.  Maybe he was used to being #evicted.

No sooner had I given Ray a month's notice, than Shirley telephoned from next door.  Her buddy Miz James had informed her that Ray was moving out, for which she was undeniably very grateful.  Shirley told me that her friend Bryan was once again interested in renting the place.  Apparently, his job was going well, and he could now afford the #rent; especially since the Department of Social Services had approved his girlfriend Mamie for partial rental assistance.

"Have Bryan call me," I told Shirley.  "It would be nice not to have to advertise and try to find a decent tenant.  He's a friend of yours, so I guess that's a pretty good reference, right?"

"Right," Shirley agreed.  "It'll be him and Mamie and their two young children.  I'll tell him to call you."

Bryan telephoned that afternoon.  "So, I hear you're looking for an upstairs #tenant again.  I'm still interested."

"Yes, I heard,” I said.  “By the way, why do you want to move, and when?"

"Soon as possible.  We’re living underneath Mamie's sister at her mom's right now.  Too close to family is like, you know . . ."

"I get the picture.  How about rent and #security?  The rent is four-seventy-five, as you know . . ."

"Social Services will pay most of it," Bryan told me,  "but we want to pay the security deposit ourselves, rather than do it through D.S.S."

"Okay," I agreed – stupidly, as it later turned out.  "When can we meet to sign the lease?"

We arranged that I would go over to their apartment in Schemmerhorn that evening. I found it quite easily.  Mamie, the girlfriend, turned out to be a pale, thin slip of a girl with a shy smile.  Whilst they perused lease, I looked around.  The room was neat and tidy and looked clean.  The two toddlers were nicely dressed.  All in all, it seemed as if Bryan and Mamie would be good tenants.

The next day I called the building inspector to inspect the upstairs apartment for the rental certificate.  Then I called Mr. Catcher to come and determine how much D.S.S. would pay for any repairs that needed doing.  Unfortunately, his next available appointment was not until the middle of August.

Meanwhile, downstairs, Miz James's lease was due to expire at the end of August.  Always diligent, she called me towards the end of July.

“Can I stay a little longer?” she asked, “I’m planning on buying a house within the next few months.”

I would be sorry to lose her – she wasn’t a bad #tenant – but I had to tell her I really didn’t want to look for a new tenant in the winter.   I knew from experience that not many people moved at that time of year.  Of course, the Jacuzzi was a good selling point, but I figured it would be easier to find a tenant in the late summer or fall.    I determined to place an advertisement in the Schemmerhorn Gazette, listing the apartment’s features and keeping the rent at four seventy-five per month.

CHAPTER TWENTY: Natasha No-Show

          The next morning, I dropped off the #eviction petition with the Schemmerhorn Court Clerk, and swung by the house to collect the letter from Miz James complaining about Natasha.  I left a curt note on Natasha's door, telling her the time and date that the pest-control people were coming.  She was nowhere to be seen. Probably avoiding Wim, who was at that moment fixing her front door.

As I was leaving, a young man in a pick-up truck pulled up next door.  I stopped and asked him if he was the witness to the gun-toting characters seen entering my house the other day.  He said he was indeed, introduced himself as Dave, and invited me in to where he was working on the upstairs #apartment. 

He then proceeded to tell me his life story.  Apparently, he had fathered a baby, and his ex-girlfriend was soaking him for child support. Although a self-proclaimed, brilliant but as-yet-undiscovered musician, he was currently penniless and was being paid for his work with time in his boss's recording studio. 

Dave was two inches shorter than I, closely resembled a weasel, and smoked incessantly.  Definitely not my type.  He also spent more time coming on to me than telling me anything really useful.  In between fending off his advances and surreptitiously trying to wave the cigarette smoke away without offending him, I did however manage to get the approximate date and time that he had spied the gun-toters, as well as his address and phone number, willingly given.  Then I turned down his request for a date and gladly escaped outside to cleaner air and my car.

The City Court Clerk called me at work on October 28^th to tell me that my court date was scheduled for November 10^th.  Miz James was glad to hear that we didn’t have to wait long.  She intended to come along to Court too. 

The call from the court stoked the fires smoldering in my brain, and after fuming for a while, I felt I had to vent my anger somehow. 

So I did. 

On paper. 

In the form of a letter to the #Social #Services Commissioner, with a carbon copy to a Mr. Catcher in #Fraud and #Investigations, the department responsible for paying #landlord damage claims against #D.S.S. #tenants.

The next thirteen days until the hearing dragged on as before, with regular complaints of noise blaring from Natasha's apartment being phoned in to the #police by both the downstairs and next-door #neighbors. 

I, meanwhile, continued to gather ammunition by filing a Freedom of Information request for copies of police records for 51 Manson Street, dating back to when I bought the house.  The records were ready the day before the hearing, and Wim picked them up from City Hall for me.

On November 10th, armed and ready, I stalked into the courtroom at ten o'clock in the morning. Wim and Miz James stalked along behind me.

No sign of Natasha.

Our case was called about twenty minutes later. 

Still no Natasha. 

The #judge, a portly, middle-aged Giuseppe Grazziano, wrinkled his swarthy brow, twirled one end of his luxuriant moustache with a fat finger, and pondered the matter. 

"I'll hear your case last," he declared.  "If the respondent hasn't appeared by then, I'll grant a default."

We sat through a few more cases, and then Miz James had to leave, disappointed that she hadn't got to see any action.  It must have been hell for her.

Just as the judge was banging his gavel at the end of the last case, his clerk received a phone call and whispered something in the judge's ear.  

Judge Grazziano slapped his large, ham-like hands on his desk top and heaved himself to his feet. 

"We've found your tenant," he announced.  "She couldn't appear here because she's currently being held across the street in Police Court."

He conferred for a moment with the stenographer and then turned back to us. 

"We'll go over to Police Court.  They'll lend us a courtroom there."

We trailed across the street after Judge Grazziano's flapping black robes, the stenographer trudging along behind, lugging her stenograph machine.  Thus, we descended on the police station, wherein was situated Police Court.  We were shown into a small courtroom. 

A few minutes later Natasha appeared, escorted by a policewoman, who stayed watchfully nearby.

Judge Grazziano seated himself on his borrowed throne and read my petition out loud.  Then he turned to Natasha. 

"Well?  What have you got to say for yourself?"

"It’s not all true," Natasha mumbled sullenly, eyes averted.  "I got no place to go.  I got me three keeds."

"Your Honor?" I broke in - I’d always wanted to say that line, like they do in my favorite T.V. lawyer shows - "Natasha’s children have been taken away from her by Child Protective.  She doesn't have them with her anymore."

"Hmm.  Can you find an apartment by the end of the month?" the judge asked Natasha.

"Yeah, s'pose," she admitted in a resigned tone.

Judge Grazziano looked to me.  "Will you agree to let her stay until the end of the month?"

"Yeah, I suppose," I said in turn.  "But that's three weeks away.  She's going to keep on having loud parties and upsetting the neighbors, and –"

"Okay, okay," the judge broke in.  "Natasha, I'm ordering you to refrain from causing any further disturbances at your apartment from now until you move.  Is that clear?"

"Yeah," Natasha drawled, eyes still averted.

"Right.  Respondent ordered to be out by November thirtieth.  Petitioner to compose an Order to that effect for my signature." 

Bang!  The gavel came down.

"Thank you, Your Honor," I said.

As Natasha passed by with her escort, I asked her about paying me her share of the rent for November.

"Yo wan' it, yo come git it," she growled, glowering at me from under her brows.

"Fine," I said, fully intending to stay away from Manson Street until Natasha had moved out. 

"Oh, well, it's only a few bucks," I sighed to Wim as we drove home.

We were just getting ready for bed that night, when Miz James rang. 

"Did Natasha show up?" she demanded.

I told her what had transpired that morning after she left the courtroom. 

"I think Natasha's in jail right now," I assured her, "so it should be peaceful for a while."

"What’s that?" Miz James panted.  "Then there's a whole lotta people partyin' upstairs without her."

"What!" I exclaimed.  "I don't believe it!  Call the cops and let me know what happens."

Miz James gave one last huff and hung up.

The next day, I called Judge Grazziano's chambers and told the clerk that Natasha had instantly disobeyed the judge's Order.  The clerk promised to relay this to the judge and told me she would take care of setting up another court date for Natasha's eviction.

Just about every other day or night, Miz James called to report that a bunch of people were raising hell overhead, with or without Natasha. 

One morning, I decided to go up there to see for myself what was going on.

My trusty Dutch bodyguard at my side, I entered Natasha's apartment at about nine a.m.  The stench of garbage was still overpowering, and cockroaches were still crawling everywhere.  In each of the three bedrooms, someone was sleeping on a mattress on the floor, beer and pot fumes providing ample explanation for their late rising. 

Wim marched into one bedroom.  I marched into another.

"Get out!" I yelled, ignominiously waking the slumberer from sleep.  "This is my house, and you have no right to be here.  I want you out.  Right now!"

Wim could also be heard saying words to that effect as he rousted out the occupants of the two back bedrooms.

Eventually, three dopey-eyed girls were blinking blearily in the hallway in various stages of undress. 

One of them showed signs of coming to life. 

"Why don't you do somethin' 'bout dem roaches?” She grunted.  “It's disgustin'.  What kind of landlor' are you?"

"Did I put those garbage bags there?" I screamed, gesturing wildly at the oozing black bags advancing ever further into the kitchen. 

"Now, get your stuff together, and get out!"

They snatched up a few belongings, and I shepherded the girls to the front door where they sullenly took their leave, grumbling to one another as they traipsed down the stairs.

A week later, Natasha and I were back in court.

CHAPTER FOURTEEN: Meet Miz James

My downstairs #tenant Greg called again at the beginning of August.

"Uh, we're gonna be a b . . . b . . . bit late wiv' the r . . . r . . . rent this month," he finally managed.  "W . . . we'll b . . . be able to p . . . p . . . pay it in ab . . . bout a week."

"Oh.  Er, o--kay," I said.  "Is anything wrong?"

"No, w . . . we've j . . . j . . . just had a f . . . few expenses to p . . . p . . . pay," he stammered.

"All right, I suppose a week's okay," I said.  "You do know that after ten days there's a late fee, don't you?"

"Y . . . yes, we know.  Th . . . thank you," Greg stuttered, and hung up.

I didn’t start to feel a mite suspicious until ten days had passed and I hadn’t yet received the promised #rent.  I called the threesome's number a couple of times but there was no answer.

Finally, after another few days, I asked Wim to go over to Schemmerhorn to collect the rent for me.  He kindly obliged. 

No one answered the door when he rang the bell but he knew they were home because he could hear them.  I wouldn't have been so bold, but after a few more ignored knocks and rings, he let himself in.

Not surprisingly, he found the three huddled together in their favorite spot on the couch, indignantly staring at him for having dared to invade their apartment uninvited.

"I've come to collect the rent," Wim announced.

"We're moving," Greg said, "so we're not paying.  We've had it with Natasha, and this area's too dangerous.  You can use our #securitydeposit for the rent."

“There didn't seem much point in arguing with them,” Wim told me when he got home.

I received the news with some equanimity.  "It's not too bad," I said.  "At least we've got a couple of weeks to find another tenant, and their security deposit was six hundred.  The rent is four seventy-five so I'll make a hundred and twenty-five on the deal. 

"And last time I saw their place, it didn't look too bad.  A touch up here and there with a paint brush should do it."

The next day I paid the local newspaper $14.00 for a week-long advertisement.  My ad briefly described the apartment’s features and listed the rent as $475.00, with one month’s deposit required.  I was quite looking forward to playing at real estate agent and showing prospective tenants around the apartment.

The word "Jacuzzi" prompted several phone calls almost immediately, and I made some appointments to show people around that weekend.  I asked Wim to go with me, as I was new at this and felt I could do with a second opinion.

Saturday arrived.  The first few appointments did not.  Maybe they had changed their minds or found another place.  Nice of them to call!

Wim and I spent a few boring hours sitting in my car outside 51 Manson Street. 

It wasn’t the most comfortable of times. 

Melissa, Greg or Tom occasionally peered out the window at us while I steadfastly pretended not to notice.  I don’t know how Wim felt but, being so shy, it was a very painful couple of hours for me.

Eventually, the last appointment decided to show up and did so in a regal, white monstrosity of a Cadillac-type vehicle.  The door opened and a large woman with lots of tight black braids sticking out all over her head eased herself out onto the pavement and walked in a jerky fashion across the street to meet us.

"Hi, I'm Miz James," the woman introduced herself rather nasally in a self-important but friendly manner.  Wim and I shook hands and said hello.

I showed Miz James around the apartment, and Wim tagged along behind.  Melissa, Greg, and Tom were naturally seated on the couch and, thankfully, the place looked neat and tidy.

 Miz James surveyed the small bedrooms doubtfully. 

"Hmm, my bedroom set'll never fit in here," she stated.  "But, maybe I could make the living room into a bedroom.  I've got all my own closets.  Black enamel, you know." 

She looked expectantly at me, obviously waiting for some comment.

"Oh," I said.  "That's nice."

"Yes," Miz James agreed and jerked her way into the bathroom where she stood, hands on ample hips, appraising the slightly grubby bathtub.

"Hmm."

“I’ll get that cleaned up for you,” I hastened to assure her.

We then proceeded to the kitchen.

"Now, this I like," Miz James announced.  "Nice and big.  I can have my table in here."

We followed her out the back door and onto the deck.

"Very nice," Miz James approved.  "I like it.  Now, I have some questions for you, if you don’t mind?"

We sat on a wooden bench that ran along the left side and back of the deck. In her self-important, fussy manner, Miz James proceeded to ask me questions, some of which I couldn’t answer, such as how much did the monthly electric and gas bills amount to.

"Now, are you planning on painting?"  she asked.

"The place isn't too bad but I do plan on doing some painting, yes," I answered confidently. 

I had never painted a room in my life.

"Good.  Now, I didn't notice any washer/dryer hook-up.  Would it be possible to have one put in in the basement?"

I looked to Wim for that one.

"Yah, tha’s possible," he said.

"Good.  I'd be moving in a few days after the first of the month ‘cause I have to pack my stuff.  Would that be all right with you?"

I barely opened my mouth to answer, before Miz James continued on.

"If you'd like a reference, you can call my landlord.  I live over a doctor's office.  It's a real big apartment but I just became guardian of my niece Princess and my nephew Desmond.  Their mother -- she’s mah sister -- is useless at looking after them.  My landlord don't want children above the office, even though they're eleven and twelve years old and really good, quiet kids, so we have to move.  I bring the kids up right, though.  They go to private school, you know.

"Also, my mother died a short while ago and left me her house near here, but I'm going to sell it.  I don't want to live in that part of Schemmerhorn -- on the 'Hill' you know? -- so I'm gonna be a landlord too.  I got me a book of rules 'n regulations for landlords.  You should look at it some time, or I could get you a copy.  They're free from the City."

"Okay, yeah, sure," I hastily interjected, getting up and dusting off my butt.  "Is there anything else?  If not, I think we're about done."

"Yes, though may I make a leeetle suggestion?" 

Miz James heaved herself to her feet and patted my arm conspiratorially.

"Sure," I said.  "What?"

"If I were you -- and I don't mean to tell you your business -- but I'd put a closet in the front hallway.  Silly to have all that space and not use it, don't you think?"

"Yes, I suppose so.  Something to think about, anyway.” 

I had had enough of Miz James's pompousness for one day and attempted to salvage some control. 

"I'll call the reference you gave me," I told her, firmly ushering her out, "and I'll let you know."

With a wave goodbye, Miz James made her jerky way across the street to her big, white car.  It took her five minutes of easing the car backwards and forwards, a few inches at a time, to complete a three-point turn at the end of the street.  She almost knocked down the neighbor’s fence in the process but eventually managed to turn the car around and drove away, looking down her nose at us as she passed.

As Wim and I were leaving, I almost fell over a small, furry animal in the hallway.  Since when did my tenants have cats?  Just then, another kitten peeped out from behind the front door.  I distinctly remembered a clause in the lease, which stated that tenants may not introduce pets into the house without notifying the landlord first. 

Oh, well.  They were leaving anyway.

Wim and I left without saying goodbye to Tom, Greg, or Melissa.  They didn’t bother saying goodbye to us, either.

Wim and I discussed Miz James as we drove home.

"What did you think?" I asked.

"She's certainly very bossy," Wim said.  "I’m afraid she's the type that'll find fault with everything and keep wanting me to come over to fix this, that, and the other thing."

"Yes, I didn't like her manner very much," I agreed.  "Right from when she introduced herself.  Miz James, if you don't mind.  I don't even know what her first name is.  I'm sure she'd keep the place spick and span, though, and the kids sound okay."

"What does she do for a living?" Wim asked.

"She told me she just found a job as a counselor at a center for the mentally disabled.  Not the outfit you work for, though.  But, can you imagine?  She probably bosses her clients around to her heart's content.  She gets money from the County, too, for being the children's guardian."

"Sounds like she'll be able to afford the rent, then," Wim said.  "But, I tell you, she'll be trouble if you let her."

“I agree,” I said, down-shifting to turn a corner.  "Let's see what her landlord says about her."

That evening I called the number Miz James had given me.  The doctor wasn’t home, but his wife gave her a glowing reference and verified the reason Miz James had to move. 

"You won't find a speck of dirt anywhere," she told me.  "You're lucky to get her, and her kids are wonderfully behaved.  We're sorry to lose her, but with two more pairs of feet overhead and the doctor's office downstairs  . . . you understand?"

"Yes, I do," I assured her.  "Thanks very much, then.  It seems your tenant has found a new home."

I phoned Miz James to give her the news, and we arranged to meet a couple of days later to sign the #lease.

 

The next evening, I received a telephone call from the left-hand next-door neighbor in Schemmerhorn.  She was a blonde, buxom woman named Shirley, whom I had met a couple of times and given my phone number.

"There's really loud music coming from Natasha's place," she told me.  "Natasha's away, though.  I've called the #cops, but I thought you might wanna check it out."

I let out a huge, disgruntled sigh.  What now?  "Thanks for letting me know, Shirley." 

“Oh, Wim?” I called as I put the phone down.  “Fancy another trip to Schemmerhorn?”